Miami Connection (1987)

If you’re a fan of the “So Bad It’s Good” breed of film (which, obviously, I am), you should familiarize yourself with Drafthouse Films, the distribution arm of Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. The Alamo is based in Austin, Texas, a city that gets a lot of attention for being the “live music capital of the world,” (I’m making a “jacking off” gesture with my hand, lol) but is also a movie-lover’s oasis. It is home to I Luv Video (probably one of the top three video stores in the country, if not the world), Vulcan Video, South by Southwest (which is as much a film festival as a music festival, though the cinema is very much overshadowed by all the other hullabaloo), Mondo Tees, and of course our friends at the Alamo. Before Drafthouse Films, the Alamo was known for digging up the most insane, obscure, blood-soaked grindhouse flicks to screen on Terror Tuesday and Weird Wednesday. Yes, new releases get plenty of play, but the Alamo is one of the last theatres to cater to a certain type of person; one who would spend $50 on ebay for a used copy of Me, Myself & I; who still has a VCR player and a collection of movies they taped off some long-canceled late-night shlock TV show; the kind of person who trolls the Goodwill and second hand stores for discarded VHS tapes. In short: my kind of person. Drafthouse Films hunts down the best of the worst, cleans it up as best they can, and saves it from obscurity by making it available to dingbats like you and me. Pretty cool, huh?

Which brings me to Miami Connection (1987). Drafthouse released this on DVD/Blu-Ray/VHS last December. It’s sort of been on the periphery of my weird movie radar since then, and I finally had an opportunity to sit down and watch it. I didn’t really know what it was about and… Okay, I still don’t fully understand what it was about. Here’s what I do know: Ninja bike gang. Extras getting hacked up and executing superb death scenes. Incredibly awful, degrading, and traumatic boobage. A touching sub-plot about finding your father. And, of course, a synth band called Dragon Sound that requires members to: a) be masters of Tae Kwon Doe b) have fugged up teeth c) be orphans d) live together in a majorly homoerotic setting (you must be in a state of undress at all times–this means no shirt and pants wide open, please. The only person who is ever fully dressed in that house is their leader, played by Y.K. Kim. A show of power, perhaps?).

So, I don’t know, Dragon Sound adds a chick to their group (but she is not required to live in the house or wear a Tae Kwon Doe uniform on stage), and her brother, who is involved in importing “stupid cocaine” gets all cheesed off about it. You see, his band used to play at Central Florida’s hottest night club, but the owner booted them and brought in those Dragon Sound goofballs. That, and the fact that one of their members is dating his sister, sets the brother on the warpath. And to be completely real here, that’s about all I know about the plot. Clearly I can’t even remember the names of the characters, and IMDB is no help because (surprisingly) the actors didn’t really have any other jobs after Miami Connection.  There is so much random shit in this movie that I completely lost track of what was going on. It’s just weird scenes of them cruising the beach trying to pick up chicks or going to class or receiving mail, sandwiched between fight scenes. But each and every moment is pure gold (except the part in the biker bar when the women are showing their tits, that made me feel really gross and uncomfortable. It was a little too real.). And the jumbled mess of a plot does not mean I didn’t learn anything. In the brother’s confrontation with the club owner I learned that every son of a bitch in central florida is trained in martial arts. Observe:

One thing you really have to admire about Miami Connection is everyone’s dedication to the material. There’s no ad libbing here–if a shot lingers after all the dialogue has been spoken, everyone just repeats themselves. “Hey, we’ll have a big party when you get back! Big party! Hey, when you get back we’ll party, okay? Yeah!” Stuff like that. And if they find that’s not working, they usually yell that someone is a son of a bitch.

If you take away anything from Miami Connection, it should be this: POSITIVITY IS THE ANSWER! The lyrics to Dragon Song’s first number (available for download through Drafthouse Films) are: Friends through eternity/loyalty/honesty/we’ll stay together through thick or thin. You don’t win life by dealing drugs or running with motorcycle ninjas. You don’t win by stifling your sister’s dreams or wearing a cool scarf well into your 50’s. You win by sticking by your friends by staying positive and slaughtering dozens, if not hundreds of your enemies until the rivers run red with their blood! Like Dragon Song says: Friends forever/we’ll be together/ we’re on top cause we play to win!

I purposely left out some of my favorite moments because I don’t want to spoil them, but all the stuff with Jim(?)’s search for his father is really special. And look for a possible uncredited cameo from Axel Rose as a cowardly, leaping, belly-shirt-wearing enemy!

Now let’s have Dragon Sound play us out!!